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Susan took a deep breath. “Well, the other night we were talking about our finances, and the kids, and how things are really tight right now. He thought it would be a good idea for his parents to move in with us to share some of the expenses. Maybe we could even charge them rent, or the kids could stay with them instead of going to daycare. Julie, I just can’t believe it!”
Julie wondered why Susan was so upset. After all, having extended families live together wasn’t exactly a new idea. “In Bible days, multiple generations lived together all the time,” Julie said. “Just because we don’t usually do it here, I don’t quite understand why you’re so freaked out.”
The resentment in Susan’s voice was clear. “Well, it would be just one more way for his mom and dad to try to influence our decisions.”
The Apron Strings vs. Spousal Relationship
Susan and Tom aren’t the only couple to have a problem in this area. Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” The King James Version calls being united “cleaving.” This refers to God’s invention of a unique bond between husband and wife that’s not to be compromised by their relationship with their parents.
Resist the Drift Marriage Conference
Does this mean that we cut ourselves off from our families of origin? Not if they’re reasonably healthy. Maintaining relationships with our parents usually is beneficial. But problems arise if factors like the following are present:
- One spouse relies too heavily on the parents to help in decision-making, leading the other spouse to feel insignificant.
- One spouse looks to the parent, not the partner, to get his or her emotional needs met, leading the partner to feel ignored.
- One spouse reveals details of marital conflict with his or her parents, leading the other spouse to feel betrayed.
1. Decision-making dysfunction
Couples need the freedom and autonomy to make their own decisions. Some parents are better than others in this area; many wait for their adult children to ask for advice, but others try to inject unsolicited wisdom. The latter are often deeply caring people who want the best for their children, but their behavior communicates a lack of respect and trust in the judgment of their child and his or her spouse. Family history can make this difficult water to navigate. Some spouses are used to asking their parents for direction; others make decisions more independently. If you and your mate have different habits on this score, conflict may result.
If you’re frustrated because your spouse consults with his or her parents on decisions more than you’d like, the two of you need to work through this issue. If you feel threatened hot medellin women by your spouse’s behavior, share that diplomatically but honestly. Talk about how the two of you would like decision making to work. Would you prefer that the two of you make choices without getting input from either set of parents? Are there some decisions you’d ask one set of parents about, but not the other?
Be aware that asking for parents’ advice can be a slippery slope. It may leave them feeling the door is open for them to give you input into other areas, or even to “correct” decisions you’ve already made.
Credit each other and your in-laws with goodwill toward your marriage unless they’ve demonstrated otherwise. Sadly, some in-laws don’t seem to have a vested interest in the success of their child’s marriage. If this is true of you, you and your mate may want to recommit yourselves to “leaving and cleaving.” You may also need to seek professional advice to determine how best to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries with your in-laws.